The OC Diaries

I tried to hide my behavior at every opportunity.

Trying to hide the fact that I have OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, is like trying to stuff a 5,000 pound African elephant into a single piece of carry-on luggage. Traveling light has never been my style.

I remember those days when luggage was free of charge and peanuts were graciously offered on each airline. It seems like so much has changed since then. Light-years worth of change. However, there is one change I fully embrace. I am pleased to say that the stigma surrounding obsessive-compulsive disorder is lessening. 

Nowadays, it seems like everyone, celebrities included, are revealing a host of disorders and diseases. We are living in an era of personal transparency. What was once kept in the dark is now seeing the light of day. This is a good thing.

When I first received my diagnosis from my psychiatrist, I went into complete secrecy. I didn’t want anyone to know about it. And instead of feeling a sense of relief for finally understanding what was going on with me, I instead felt as though a part of me was broken. Thankfully, my psychiatrist exhibited a calm demeanor. Life goes on, and you learn how to manage it.

Seriously, does anyone truly care that my favorite go-to accessory is a pair of non-latex disposable gloves? Truthfully, I do use disposable gloves when my OCD gets the best of me. And through necessity, we now have an understanding; that is, my OCD and me. I know when to push through and when to back off. And it excites me to say that my battles are far fewer. 

As mentioned earlier, my diagnosis was most unsettling, where my initial reaction was one of denial. Therefore, I tried to hide my behavior at every opportunity.  However, my luggage was bursting at the seams. 

My personal experience with OCD feels similar to having a brain stutter. Certain numbers or words repeat in my head, especially when under duress. 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. Each number helps me to self-regulate and soothe my anxiety. Underlying this coping mechanism is a real need to express my true feelings. Typically, these feelings encompass a range of emotions, which includes intimidation, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and overwhelm. Hypercriticism is the primary trigger for my OCD.

In time, I acquiesced to taking medication, which worked well for several years until I developed an uncomfortable side effect. Changing medications did not relieve the problem nor did adjusting the dosage. I don’t wish to cast a shadow over this form of treatment for OCD.  To be quite honest, I have always had a difficult time taking prescribed medications. My body is very sensitive.  I also have to be careful when taking certain herbs and supplements. 

Meditation and behavioral therapy soon took the place of medication, which single-handedly changed my life. My OCD has greatly diminished, along with my high levels of anxiety. Through deep breathing, I was able to impact my body’s physiology. The consequences of this daily practice enabled my brain to downregulate my nervous system. The results of which brought a sense of calm and relaxation.

By nature, I am a highly responsible and caring person. The practice of mindful awareness has further helped me to address my OCD. At night, it is not uncommon for me to check and then check again the control knobs on our stove, making certain they are all in the OFF position. Mindful awareness allows me to sleep at night knowing that I have mentally and visually inventoried their proper position.

Through the years, I have come to realize the importance of self-acceptance for both myself and my disorder. The more uncomfortable I appear with my OCD, the more uncomfortable it makes everyone else feel. The truth is, it may take me a bit longer to learn something new or to complete a project. Also, it can be helpful to know that the gift of kindness and self-compassion helps to ease the symptoms of OCD.

Lastly, one of my most liberating moments came when I learned to say the words, “I can’t handle it.” Please don’t ask me to host a large party. In addition, I have had to learn how to definitively say no and how to set appropriate boundaries for myself and with others. Taking care of myself provides the greatest support for my well-being and personal happiness.

As part of my self-care, I enjoy a whole foods diet. I love preparing meals with organic produce. I also believe in taking the proper dietary supplements. Magnesium Glycinate is one of my all-time favorite products along with my B vitamins. Each of these disciplines combined helps to further support my mind, body, and soul. 

This story has been a long time in the making, but up until now it wasn’t fully baked. For many years, OCD robbed me of my happiness. Thankfully, it no longer has the same hold on my life, due to my holistic management.