Do you go down the rabbit hole?
Ah, the joys of aging. I recently saw my OB-GYN for some discomfort I was experiencing in my Hoo Hoo. Oh, go ahead and laugh, but I bet you have a nickname for yours as well. This sobriquet may come off as sounding infantile and sophomoric to some; however, the way I was raised, I am lucky to even know what a vagina is.
There was never a mention of this word between my mother and me. Not even a smidgen of a hint about the birds and the bees . . .
It was time once again for my annual exam. I made certain to wear my nicest pair of underwear, a favorite bra, and shaved from here to eternity. I also applied copious amounts of moisturizer all over my body. I was as slippery as a harbor seal, and ready for my examination.
As “Dr. OB” attempted to insert the speculum into my vagina, I gave out a most unbecoming yelp, “Ow, that hurts.” He then reached for his itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, petite sized speculum. Probably the tiniest he had ever held (to help alleviate the pain) for the narrowest vagina he had ever seen. We were both uncomfortable.
“Now, cough,” he said, as he patiently tried to locate my cervix. “Relax those knees.” At this point, I’m thinking about what to say to the kind doctor, when my body rudely interrupts, “Hey buddy, you get up here on this table with legs splayed for all to see. I dare you to try to relax, cough, and spread them all at once.” I used to be far more stoic in my younger days, and my Hoo Hoo, was once agreeable, supple, and plump.
After the culture was taken for the pap smear test, I was instructed to join the doctor in his office. The discomfort I am experiencing is most likely due to a thinning of the vaginal tissues, the vaginal lining. At one time, this lining was full and resilient like an overflowing reservoir. Now it has become thin, dry, and as flat as the Mojave Desert. I just hope there aren’t any tumbling tumbleweeds or prickly cacti inside there. Tortoises, I don’t mind so much.
The remedy is a twice-weekly estrogen cream applied to heal and tone the tissues of the V. First, however, I want to check into any possible side effects. If, for some reason it doesn’t work, then perhaps it will do wonders for my face and neck.
Aging is not fun. I want my 20-year-old body back. But truthfully, the wisdom and knowledge I have gained I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. Not even for the promise of a newly minted virgin V.