Go Higher

I have been embroiled in an unpleasant situation. To the point where no matter how hard I try to process my feelings, I can’t see or feel my way clear.

Talking it over with my husband and a close friend helped momentarily to ease the tension, but it did not resolve my discontent or feelings of ill will. As always, it is my prerogative as to whether or not I wish to remain in the hamster cage spinning away on the wheel of resentment. Spin, spin, spin. “Where ya headed?” “I don’t know. I can’t seem to get off this darn thing.”

Clearly, there had to be some type of payoff going on here, something of value I was receiving by feeling this way. The more I tried to gain a proper perspective, the further ensnared I became. And, admittedly, I had chewed on this bone long enough to where it no longer felt good to justifiably feel bad. But did I want a healing? And if so, how do you mend a bruised ego that was holding on for dear life?

During the course of this embroilment I allowed myself to place blame elsewhere, by operating on a much lower vibrational frequency. Lower than that. A little lower. There you go. Really low. The pain I internalized was a very clever way of deflecting and protecting my ego from taking any responsibility for my share in this problem.

It is almost as if I had to go through this experience in order to address a long standing issue. If not here, it would have been recreated in a different setting. So you see, this is how the Universe works. From a higher vantage, it’s all for our benefit. Yours, mine, and ours.

There is a saying my father drilled into me whenever I was upset by another person’s actions, “You should pay them for what they are teaching you.” Not now Dad, I’m too busy being upset. He was a wise man.

As you may have surmised, this situation involved another person where they were clearly in the wrong (it’s my story). Seriously, what bothered me most about this whole scenario was the fact that there was no room for compromise—no mutual concessions offered. In cases like this, how do you reach a peaceful resolution?

Go higher, said the voice of compassion. Forget about it! My ego could only entertain this notion for a nano second. And then it was back to the gloves are off. I call you out. I’ll see you in the back alley at 3:00 sharp.

Go higher, compassion was asking of me. But, I don’t want to appeal to “The better angels of my nature.” I want to remain resentful and stew away in my cocktail of contempt. It’s rather delicious. Or is it?

Go higher. I don’t know how. That’s when I heard the sound of a melodious harp playing on my heartstrings and leading me to my bookshelf. It was there where I found my tiny little book with the big title: How To Fight by the Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. And by no mistake, I opened to page 72 titled Give A Gift. Evidently this course of action can bring immediate relief.

No. No. No. No. No. This person doesn’t deserve a gift. Maybe if I wrap some nicely baked burnt cookies with a decorative bow. That’s the best I can offer.

Go higher. Oh geez, why can’t you leave me alone? But, it was too late. Compassion for this individual was beginning to take hold, and my bruised ego was slowly being left bereft of any power or position. Underneath it all, I was relieved to lay down my arms (my inflated self) and breath in the serenity of peace from an act of surrender.

However, it took several more months to fully accept this decision of gift giving. Yet, I knew I was on the right track. The gift I finally gave was nothing noteworthy or 5:00 news worthy, except for the fact it was given at all, with sincerity.

We reap what we sow. The tumultuous tide had been turned. Communication was re-established with the hope for a future where understanding and compromise may prevail.

Notes

Thich Nhat Hanh, How to Fight (Berkeley, CA: Parallax Press, 2017), 72.