1-800-KARMA

Prior to his departure, I was instructed to stay away from the plethora of TV infomercials, and under no circumstances to place an order. He then said he’d be back in roughly fifteen minutes.

But hey, I’m on vacation and having the time of my life, surfing the mega selection of channels. Back home, we don’t subscribe to cable TV. I love watching infomercials. Especially those selling beauty items who claim I, too, can look like a Hollywood starlet in less than thirty days.

In everyday life, I’m typically not so gullible. However, when viewing infomercials, I’m Living the Dream, and clearly that’s what they want. Throw in a few before and after pictures and I’m most definitely hooked.

With ten minutes remaining, I’m scurrying to place an order for the Foundation Airbrush. Such promises! Where’s the 800 number?!

Dial tone . . . connection . . . recorded message. Please press 1 for item number 1. Please press 2 for item number 2. Which one do I want? I wasn’t paying attention. Ahh! I don’t have time to redial.

I pressed what I thought was the correct corresponding button. Music . . . connection . . . I’m live with an operator!

“Hello, yes, I’d like to place an order.”

“Certainly. My name is Joy. I’d be happy to place your order today. But before I do, I’d like to know how your day is going?”

“It’s going by quickly,” I replied. “I’m in a bit of a hurry. Could I please place my order?”

“Oh, certainly,” said Joy.

I then proceeded to give her my name, address, credit card number, three-digit code, and billing zip code. “Got it? Good. Oh, and I’d also like to confirm the free promotional gift if I order within the next fifteen minutes.”

“Thank you,” said Joy. She then broke out into a speech saying she would like to take a moment to read and review my authorization for today’s purchase.

“Do you have an abridged version?” I asked.

“Excuse me?” said Joy.

“It’s OK. Yes, I give my consent. Thank you for placing my order. Goodbye.” Click.

Mission accomplished! Five seconds left. I am so looking forward to my Foundation Airbrush. My husband will never suspect a thing, except for the fact that my face will appear radiant and beautiful.

I know, I know, I’m a bit of a fibber. But it’s not like it’s a total secret. After all, we do share a joint credit card account. Anyway, that’s how I’m going to justify this special purchase.

Just then, I heard the sound of the hotel room door opening. As my husband walked into our room, I greeted him with a friendly, “Hi, Honey.” The afterglow of my recent purchase was still present on my face.

“Did you happen to order anything while I was gone?” he asked.

“Who, me?” I said in a most convincing voice. However, my husband knows me better than I do.

“What am I going to do with you?” he said. “You’re hopeless.”

“But I had so much fun, and isn’t that what vacations are all about? Fun, fun, fun!”

Six weeks later my package arrived in the mail, and I felt just like a little child on Christmas day. As I held the package, it occurred to me that the size of the box didn’t seem quite right; however, it was addressed to me, and had arrived within the specified timeframe.

“Oh, nooo . . . ” I moaned in complete disappointment, as my lips pursed together in solidarity. I must have pressed the wrong button when I initially placed my order. I accidentally ordered and received a Fuel-Free lighter for the everyday outdoorsman. Really?

Wouldn’t you know it. At that very moment my husband entered the room, as if from a distance he could sense the molecular shift in my emotions. “Hey, Sweetie, what are you up to?” he inquired.

“Hmm. Oh, well, nothing really,” I replied. That’s when I caved in and confessed the whole story to him.

“I see,” he said. “Gee, that’s too bad.” He then rubbed his chin upwards and downwards, contemplating his next statement.

Finally, he said, “One man’s loss is another person’s gain. What a great gift! Thanks, Honey!”

“Sure . . . anytime. I’ll take that cup of Instant Karma now.”