True Grit

There are some questions in life that don’t require much thought. Such as, “What size shoe do you wear?” or “Would you like another serving of mashed potatoes?” Then, there are the more complicated, in-depth, soul-searching questions like “Chocolate or vanilla?”, “Plain or peanut?”, or “Do you have faith?” Whoa there . . . stop the wagons. What was that last question? Something to do with faith? This is where my petticoat and I decide to brave it alone.

In a similar fashion, I, too, was recently stopped in my tracks when asked that very question by my caring therapist. Do you have faith? Each week I pull up a chair (my honesty seat, which I’ve come to call it) and engage in meaningful and transformative conversation and dialogue. My therapist and I sit, oh, approximately five feet apart. As so often happens, one subject leads to another. Given the topic of conversation that day, it was only natural that she would ask, “Do you have faith?”

At first, I looked at her with my best Vegas skilled poker face, hoping to stall for time, not knowing what to say. My immediate thought to her question was, no, I have fear. But what came out of my mouth was equally reflexive and delivered as fast as a Western gunslinger. “No,” I said, then followed up in a true Clint Eastwood like fashion, “I have perseverance.” Who needs faith when you have determination?

Quite honestly, I was taken aback by my reply. No one has ever asked me whether or not I have faith. Why now?

Once my answer truly sunk in, I felt somewhat ashamed, as though I had committed a mortal sin. I half expected to see a black mist enveloping my body to carry me away. What kept me safe in my chair was the nonjudgmental expression on my therapist’s face. Truthfully, how can you find fault in another person’s personal truth, provided it does no harm. You can’t fake faith. You either have it or you don’t. Or is it really that simple?

While driving away from my therapy session, I began experiencing an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Similar to the way you feel after a wild carnival ride—unsteady and uncertain. I didn’t like the fact that I said I don’t have faith. It didn’t sit well with me. Maybe my body was trying to tell me something. Perhaps I was coming down with a bad case of faith ache.

Living on perseverance alone can only take you so far. It’s like running a marathon without proper preparation and hydration. Perseverance operates with a singular laser light focus. Its sights are always set on the next hill to climb.

Faith, the little that I know of it, is the fuel that creates limitless possibilities. And, yes, even moves those impenetrable mountains. Faith is the lighthouse illuminating our journey in life, taking us to a higher ground—from a place of uncertainty to one of certainty.

But, by the same token, faith will not kindly seek your approval. Yet it always knows what is best for you. Nor is it concerned with your personal agendas, timelines, and outcomes. Also, faith has a most uncanny way of pushing us beyond our safe little comfort zones.

This was my initial impression on the topic of faith. The more I thought about it the more I couldn’t let it go. I wanted a neat and tidy resolution to the question. The idea of relying on faith seemed intriguing.

However, I barely know how to float let alone swim in the currents of faith. I think the best place for me to start is by putting on a comfortable pair of water wings and gently testing the water.

Faith, I have determined, is simply not an on or off switch. There are many shades of gray to faith. A person may have faith in one area of life and not another. Faith is also not always a spiritual experience.

So often, our understanding and relationship to faith is largely predicated on how we as individuals were raised. Most essential of all is whether or not we have faith in ourselves and the ability to trust in our intelligence, intuition, and feelings. Maybe that’s the bigger question here, or at least a part of the equation to having true faith. Living a life without faith, in my opinion, is like living in a world without light—where each step feels precarious and subject to human error.

Fortunately, what I do have going for me is an abundance of determination. I don’t think you can have faith without perseverance. So, logically speaking, I’m halfway there! And, as it turns out, I actually have faith after all! When all my internal doubts and fears subside, and a roaring campfire casts its warmth upon my face, I inherently believe in a better tomorrow, in spite of how today may appear otherwise. That’s what gives me the strength to persevere.

To make certain that this initial question did not go unnoticed, I received a rather obvious sign indicating as much. The funniest thing happened the following weekend after my therapy session. While shopping at one of my favorite stores I stood in line vacillating over which long cashier line to remain in, this one or that one? This one or maybe that one? Apparently, divine intervention had a hand in my decision making, since it just so happened that I chose the line with a cashier by the name of Moses (beard and all).