Can’t vs. Won’t

I have a very large couch in my living room. It not only happens to be grand in scale, but it also happens to be quite comfy and the perfect location to talk about all things that matter.

On one end of the sofa sat my friend whose legs were comfortably tucked in beneath her body. I sat on the opposite end, in the accompanying side chair.

Now with this particular friend, we share a striking similarity in our lives, with paralleled experiences and family dynamics. We were both raised with mothers who were emotionally distant, and through our conversations we have shared how this has impacted our lives.

Without question, our mothers were devoted to their families; however, neither parent was able to provide the emotional nurturing both my friend and I desired. And because of this, we experienced a loss in our lives. “How nice it would be if she . . .” and “If only she could have . . .” I found it helpful to share my feelings with someone who truly understood what I had experienced.

It is not always comfortable to talk about our parents in a less than glowing manner. From what I understand, my mother also had unresolved issues and needs not met with her own mother—far greater than mine.

After my friend stretched her legs, she said something to me that was most insightful and helped me to better understand my mother. During one of her sessions with her therapist my friend asked the question, “But why won’t my mother do this for me?” Noting the tinder of her voice, her therapist gently replied, “It is not so much that your mother won’t do this for you, but rather it is because she can’t do it for you.”

Big difference. Light bulb moment. I am certain, with the love that both our mother’s held in their hearts for their children that if they had been capable of meeting an emotional need, they most certainly would have. But, they could not, and it was not their fault.

This story melts my heart for all that my mother did. Despite her failings, the therapist’s comment enabled me to understand the dynamics surrounding my mother’s behavior towards me. This allowed me to see my mother in an altogether different light, where for the first time I was able to embrace her in a way I had never done before. Through this lens of compassion and understanding, healing can begin.

The words “can’t” vs. “won’t” makes all the difference when it comes to understanding the ability to love. This story is for my mother who loved me to the absolute best of her abilities.